Life Jitters..

Friends,

It’s been a record breaking 5 months since I posted a thought or 5.. I don’t know what to say..
I’ve read many a blog, where the authors apologise profusely for an inconsistency in posting, and promise to get back on track and maintain the writing. I was one of them, until I realised, I was being a liar. I cannot promise to always have something I think is worthy of saying, or something I think we’ll all relate to, truth is – sometimes *most times* I have very scattered thoughts, and it’s not always easy to put them down.

That being said – I can try.

The title of this post is “Life Jitters”.. You know when the bride/groom is about to make that all important commitment to stay with and love one person for the rest of their lives, and doubt fills their mind, and every possible reason why it won’t work suddenly makes sense, I feel that way about my life lately.
I’m 25 years old now, and I promise you, at 20 – I had a clearer vision for my life, a surety about myself, and a certainty about my success.. but now.

I’m not one to compare my growth to anyone else’s, I’m almost never jealous of other peoples success – but sometimes I do ask myself why my journey seems to have taken a detour.
I feel like I’ve reached a ceiling in this particular phase of growth, this job. I don’t enjoy it. The fear comes with the questions of what may happen if I leave?
The thing is, I know my capabilities, but these have come from experience, and not from theoretical studies, so what if I’m being too ambitious? These are type of questions hindering me from the excellence that awaits.
But we’ll see.

Besides all that, there are parts of my life that are so joyous. My best friend is with child, and I’ve never been one to like the little buggers, but for some reason – I am so excited about baby’s arrival.
I feel closer to my bestie, and just honestly feel like I’m appreciated and loved by her. She’s always supporting my decisions, and encouraging me to go for more. I love her. Her baby is bringing this whole new facet to our friendship, and I couldn’t be more proud, excited or joyous at the thought of loving her! :)

I’m happy now, I wrote everything down – I confronted my thoughts, and now I can work on them.

Have a wonderful day ladies and gents.

I love you all
Z

I wonder..

“What are the things you would say, and to whom if you knew you’d die in the next 3 hours? “
I was booking a flight this morning, and it suddenly hit me… What if the plane crashed? I’ve never had that fear before… but suddenly – an irrational fear gripped me.

I suddenly thought to myself, if I unexpectedly died, do the people that need to know what I know, know it yet? And thus I found myself typing the scary three words to someone from my past… “I miss you”

Truth be told, that’s not really what I wanted to write in my email text… my initial transcript was –
“I miss you so badly, I honestly think I can’t get over you. I still love you. I don’t want to get over you. You were my best friend, and I want that back… I want you back. I tried, I really did, and after all this time, it’s still just you. You’re the one…”
But instead – “I miss you” was all I could get out.

Trust me that in itself was a feat for me… I’ve wanted to make some kind of contact since February, but I couldn’t master the courage.

You all know by now, that I suffer from self diagnosed mild depression, and as soon as I get myself out of it, some force pulls me right back. I’m working on a different approach to getting out of it for good this time.
I’m going to say and do all the things that scare me a lot..The things that give me sleepless nights… I’m going to stop wishing I would have said this, and wishing I would have done that… I’m going to jump in and do it. HOLD ME TO THIS.

As usual, my thoughts are scattered. I want to write about my depression, and my ex, who already has 2 posts dedicated to him on my blog… what difference will a 3rd make?

But honestly there isn’t much to say on him anymore. I don’t know anything about him.  If I were a smoker, this would be the part that I take a long drag, and ponder on what it is that won’t let me go about that man… that relationship. I thought the physical pain of that particular heart break would lead to the death of that love, but I can’t bring myself to bury it.

Maybe all the things I said will bind me to the idea of him and I for forever… But I promise I broke every soul tie I made… I burnt every trace I had of him, and I for the longest time I thought I’d let him go. What is wrong with me?

If I am to be honest with you, I think I have a lot of issues for a 25 year old. A lot of trust issues. I cannot get past the idea that someone’s intentions with my time and affection will be for nought. I cannot bear the idea that I could suffer more pain. I’ve had other relations… but I carry something that kills them all. Expectation and Comparison. The thing about me, is I can’t settle for anything less than kingly love and devotion. I need loyalty and addiction and all this things that would normally be bad for you, like obsession and blind trust. Where can I find that?

I’m puffing my imaginary ciggie again, and asking myself this question – “What exactly are you writing about”. Nothing really, a whole lot that goes through my mind too. Navigating through this life thing can be a bit daunting, all I really want is that childlike faith and belief that it’ll be fine.

Z

And the beat goes on…

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Helloooo..

I doubt anyone still reads this blog.. I’m sorry I never update it. But the stats do say I have a steady stream of readers still, so I thank you.. from the bottom of my heart.. :)

So guess whaaaaat.. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY… *Does the moonwalk* hahahahaha.. I am so excited.. more than I’ve ever been for any of my birthdays. I’m turning 25 today, and I finally feel like an adult! I’m in my mid twenties.. WOW!!

I woke up so grateful this morning, to God, to my friends, for my family.. for my entire life.. I am filled and surrounded with so much love it shakes me to the core, and I think that’s what brought me back to life.. knowing without a doubt, that I am LOVED.

I don’t have much to say, but just THANK YOU..
You behind your laptop, or cellphone.. just always paying attention to what I have to say.. 24 was a rough year for me, but it taught me one thing. “Comparison is the thief of Joy..”
I’m in a good place, with good people.. and I’m inspired.. so allow me back into your lives, I beg..

I’m sending out every positive vibe from my heart to yours.. I LOVE YOU! Each and everyone who needs to hear that!

Ciao for nooowwww!
xx
Z

Something Old..Someone New..

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My lovers.. My friends.. How have you guys been?

Firstly, I’d just like to say thank you to Chantel, for reminding me that I love to write..

It’s been quite a minute huh? I’m not even sure when my last entry was.. which might be a good thing.. I haven’t had any happy thoughts until lately.. I wasn’t suicidal or anything, but I think I might have had a bout of mild depression.. it happens apparently when you get to your mid twenties and your bank balance is appalling.. not to mention a less than good lovelife.. hahahaha!!

You guys know I broke up with Superman by now.. this time for good! Offcourse he tried to get back with all this, I mean have you seen me?! :”D It’s so weird how over him I am.. I have no desire to stalk his social networks, I don’t answer his calls.. Mostly because I know whatever he’s going say is going be a lie and a waste of my time. I do bump into him occasionally, and we’re civil, but it’s never long enough for him to take advantage of.
Anyway, my cousin was asking me last night if I really am done with him.. I am. *Insert confetti here* :”)over you

She also asked me if I’m up for another relationship.. and a couple of days ago I would have said HELL NO! Now.. eish.. I would..LOL!! See there’s this guy.. and my oh my.. I hope he doesn’t see this blog, lawd! I have a genuine crush on someone.. LOL! But in my regular Zama fashion, I’m so scared to even go there.. I’m terrified! And I’m already acting like a little confused teenage girl when it comes to dude, talking bout “I miss you” ?! Noooo..

I must be the most confused person, because he’s really just so great! He’s funny, he’s smart, considerate and so damn fine!! But one part of my mind just keeps saying you’re not ready to go there.. And the other is like “you’re really going pass this onetime special up?” Being with the same person for so long, developing a routine and a trust..Then having that betrayed, will really fuck you up.. I didn’t realise how serious this was until my conversation with my cousin. I normally have very calm breakups, but I feel like I’m going to physically hurt the next man that lies to me.

On the other hand, I like not being accountable to anyone, not suspecting somebody of doing any dirt, not feeling neglected.. not being disappointed, because men do not understand the concept of consistency! 

 

At what point do you trust someone’s intentions? How do you even get past insecurities you have and the fears that come along with them? I was thinking to myself yesterday, I really don’t, at this point in my life, like how it feels to like someone. 
It’s incredibly stupid of me to bring my old issues, and disappointments into something that could be potentially amazing.. :-/

I annoy myself with all this over thinking.. I know for sure, I refuse to fall into any type of situation..maybe I’ll just tip toe into this one, because if he’s as great as he seems, then I deserve that!
I guess if you’re going to pursue anything new, you have to manage your expectations, *never your standards*..

Guys I’m really not articulating myself well right now, this is a conversation I’ve been playing in my head, it doesn’t translate well on paper *blog*..
Ill make time to write something tomorrow..

Ciao Bella!
Z

An uncomfortable truth..

Friends!!
How are you my family??

I’m not even going to state the obvious.. that it’s been months.. **I think I just did**.. but yeah.. I have no excuses.. I just did not have words. Nothing begging to be dealt with..nothing needing to be confronted.. infact my life has been pretty damn FLAT.
But that’s fine though.. I’m giving other children a chance to be fabulous.. :D

So lastnight, millions of South Africans watched the Finale of an explosive series, in it’s 2nd season.. Intersexions.
It’s basically a conversation South Africans, refuse to have, or rather ACCEPT and understand.. it’s incredible.
If you know me, you know I love to talk.. I love to talk about things that make other people feel uncomfortable, I love to talk about the reality of consequences..
Yes I can be depressing, but I love it when people are HONEST, are responsible, and relish being a part of something real, something that builds.

The last time I wrote a post, it was about how easily we partake in unprotected sex, and I guess I didn’t come off the way I wanted, because Lesiba, asked this question..

“Hello Z…You saying I should not trust the person I am with…That regardless, in the long run she will give me Aids.Please explain to me how you came to that conclusion?”

If this how I come across, no.. I don’t think you should not trust your partner. I mean, what’s love without trust?
And I believe in love, I do.. but unlike most people, *not all* – I demand openness and honesty more than I crave companionship.

I’m not going to sit behind this computer and act like I’m a saint. Noooo, I’ve made mistakes.. big serious mistakes, that could have cost me my life, or opened doors to things I’m not ready for, like children, because there were instances were I was too afraid to just speak up. When I was too shy to “offend” someone, or stop the moment.. just a bunch of ridiculous reasons..
But they’re ridiculous now, when I look back, and am able to CONFRONT, and GROW from them.
I mean, I wasn’t some ho..never a ho! LOL!!
I’m trying to understand from other people, that are we realising that, repeated irresponsible behavior will lead to disaster..

Are we aware that, we are not exempt from the dangers that lurk out there? And if we continue to engage in certain behaviour, are we mature enough to accept our roles in the end result? Although those results may not be for the best?

I’m 24 years old, not so young, not nearly old.. I chose when I was 21 and in a regular sexual relationship, that I was going to be open with my man, that I was going to ask questions no matter how uncomfortable they were, or dimmed the idea of romance, because I was lucky enough to have friends that I could speak too..and a backbone.
There have been phases in my life, where I had told myself, “It’ just sex” , atleast I’m safe.. THANK GOD – I did not DO anything during those times, and anytime I felt in any way compromised, I walked away.

I want to stress something.. to the ladies especially.. It is NOT enough to KNOW what your “boyfriend” does when you are not around.. he might be open and honest enough to let you know that you are NOT the only one, but just play that back in your head.. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. Why would you settle for  number??  If he’s playing russian roulette with you, you’re playing russian roulette with your life.. it’s bound to go BANG!

It’s seldom just sex.. there are too many loose ends, and like I told my now ex boyfriend, “I am not after your heart forcefully, but if we are going to do this sex thing, then you need to respect me..and the MINUTE you decide I’m not enough, then I will gracefully let you go.. but do not ever cheat on me. Do not make me a fool, you have 0 right to jeopardise my health..” I ended things 3 weeks ago, when I asked him a question he didn’t WANT to answer. A simple question.. “Are there any other women, and are you safe with them?” I knew for a fact that he wanted to see other people, so I had to separate myself from him.. no fight, no insults, no anger, just silence from both of us. I’m grateful for the three years I had with him, but even more for the decision we took to always keep it safe with condoms between us.

Just don’t settle for something that you know in your heart, is less than what you want. There is no such thing as “salt”, and nothing will fall off if you just keep your legs together.. Until you find a man who demands the same things you do.
Stop making stupid excuses, like “Mistakes happen when you’re in a relationship”..I hear that one a lot. And stop being offended when people like me confront you on your decisions, reminding you that’s its not all roses..

And if you insist on not using condoms, then just test..regularly WITH your partner, make decisions you have complete info and knowledge on, and enjoy stress free sex.

All love..
Z

It’s all love.. or is it?

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My friends! My family!! It’s been FOREVER! Wow..

I really miss this blog! And it feels so good to just be back on.. ;-) I’ve been really preoccupied, trying to get dreams into action.. growing up is not easy.. success is not easy to attain!!
I’ve learnt a couple of things about myself over the last couple of months.. I am a chief procrastinator..well I’ve always known that, and hid it under the guise that I excel under pressure.. but that doesn’t work when you’re tying to build something that is going to last.. it really is a marathon.. Another thing is that I do not work well in groups or duo’s, I get easily irritated and am very intolerant of criticism. I don’t as a rule criticize anyone, their choices or actions..*to their faces*, I mean that’s why I blog, so I can be the judgmental bitch from a distance! hahaha! I’m a Kleva-Black as our president would say! :-P

Anyway, let me get back on track.. so today I read someones Facebook update, which suggested they were practicing unsafe sex.. now this person has had a steady partner for the last 3 years or so, they have a child and are very happy inlove.. and that’s all good and well, a blessing infact, but really? are we still having unprotected sex in this day and age? I don’t know hey.. guys do you  understand that you cannot trust anyone? If women in marriages are being infected on the daily, how can you then just give it up to a boyfriend? No I’m not trying to lessen the value of relationships, but I’m saying – more than half those people are not even regular HIV testers.. It also worries me to a point of sadness, that we worry more about pregnancy than this disease, which is what infact got me riled up in the first place.

South Africans are not the most grateful people, we complain and moan about service and are such a lazy people. Now if you know me, you should know – I’m not at all Pro the ANC, infact – I loathe the party for it’s unwillingness to actually do admirable work and sort the people of this country out, instead of promoting corruption, my concern is that, the very same unemployed people, have soooo much to say about the free family planning service they receive thank you to working people who actually USE CONDOMS! Do you see how we’re being played though?

So there’s this lady who works in the same business park as I do, and we aren’t friends or anything, but I do see her quite often, and we have had a couple of conversations over the last 3 years, she’s 14 years older than me and so her life story is a lot more webbed than mine..
There’s something I don’t understand about women though, this lady has been in a relationship with a younger man for some time now, and when they met, he had just become unemployed.. he’s since found a blue collar job. Now she has a decent job, that pays well.. but she never has money.. infact – this guy gives her a daily allowance. Is that part of loving someone too? giving up what you work for, and submitting it and yourself to someone else?
Is that love really?

I guess my question is, why don’t we take care of ourselves, when we let other people come into our lives? Maybe I haven’t come across as well as I wanted to in this post, but I’m still a bit rusty..

That’s one of many things on my mind.. LOL!!
I’ll definately be getting back into the swing of things! ;-)

Later kids..
Z

Monday Class

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Monday Class

Fever shift dress
$120 – zalando.co.uk

Navy high heels
$23 – kcmode.com

Michael michael kor
$445 – harveynichols.com

Yves Saint Laurent glossy lipstick
$36 – johnlewis.com

Christian Dior nude lipstick
$27 – harrods.com

Bulgari
$73 – thehut.com

Fashion Obsessed..

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Hi guys..

I hope everyone has been keeping well..
I have.. I’m feeling good, optimistic about life.. Deciding, Planning and Executing.. Feels awesome..

I’ve recently discovered an amazing app that’s just taken over my life.. and I cannot get enough of it. I’m creating outfits that I like with the whole worlds database at my hand, and I’m learning – I have expensive taste.. ;-)
This is why my blog feed is full of outfits! And yes, I just might consider being a stylist! Ha!

Feels good to be inspired.. and know that my style is unfuckablewith. :-)

Yours in Jimmy Choo
Z

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