Molweni bethuna.. *that’s hello in Xhosa*..
I had a realization today that this blog was actually meant to be about food and wine.. also about my love for things I can’t afford.. and yet I manage to get so easily derailed..
Well as big as my love for food,wine and luxury is, I also have a lot to say on other issues..A lot being love and all it takes to get and keep it..
I have this obsession with a new song by Moneoa.. it’s called “Isi’bhanxa”..translated in Xhosa it simply means – Fool.. Its been a while since a love song has made such a connection to me on such a deep level, and it got it me thinking – am I part of many hearts addicted to pain and heartbreak? Just as some people are addicted to love and relationships, praying and believing that the one they’re with is THE ONE, some people *Like Me*, are just drawn to heartache.. and sometimes – when I really fall for someone I feel like Is’bhanxa for real..
See what love begs us to do, is throw caution to the wind, and trust that the person we’ve chosen to love – has our back.. this is not always true, because the person you might think is THE ONE – might not think the same of you.. and trust me, I’ve had my ego dented once or twice.. but once – my heart was completely ripped out of my chest,and I can only imagine his intent was to kill me instantly..He kinda did kill a part of me..
A part of Moneoa’s song goes – “In my mind,I thought we had it going on..what a lie – I guess your feelings weren’t so strong”.. and dammit, that’ how I felt 4 years ago.. I felt tricked. Unfairly and harshly tricked,when I really didn’t deserve it.. was I fool to trust someone who said they cared for me? Or was I fool to trust my feelings? Gosh my pride, everyone knew how much I loved him, and everyone knew how bad the ending was..and although I’m long over it, I’m not over the hurt.. The embarrassment,and I can’t seem to get past the fact that he’s COMPLETELY over it.. *I keep hoping he’s a really good actor*.. I’ve asked him before why he hurt me like that, and he’s answer? “I wasn’t ready for all of that”.. He wasn’t ready to be loved? mxm..
So why then do we throw around words like forever, love, need, together,trust – when we LIE to people and make them believe in things we know we aren’t ready to feel?
Like I said – this was 4years ago, and I was pretty young..I still keep contact with him, and I still see every reason I fell for him.. *another sign that ndisis’bhanxa* – but he’s a gorgeous sexy man, he’s intelligent, funny,ambitious and a hard worker..I especially love the fact that we can talk for hours about everything under the sky, and he listens..Gosh I still love him, although I’m not inlove with him.. *I hope he NEVER see’s this*.. but that’s another thing the idiot who breaks your heart makes you do, they make you compare every guy to them and how they made you feel.. You forget what a jerk he really is, and remember how well he treated you, how he was always there, always made time, always..urgh! He’s a bad man.. He’s a bad bad man..
The thing about falling is – you will hurt yourself..there’s nothing good about falling in love or anything else really..
I have to admit, I’ve broken a few hearts in my lifetime too, so this might be Karma..But bitch I get the idea!! Do we really have to kiss a million toads before one turns into a prince? Is it possible to see love through the streams of tears? Is it fair to expect someone else to fix a mess someone else made?
I want to not believe in love so badly, I’m being made of love.. I live to love.. and at the end of the day, I want to trust that someone wants to love me, HONESTLY. I just want it to be the same person I love..and maybe that’ll mean playing fool a couple of times..
I don’t wanna be all alone inlove.. Isi’bhanxa..