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Hi guys..

Happy Friday things..:) Is everybody good? Horrible weather we’re having huh..well if you’re in a cold office meant to be working..like me.

I’m sitting here, eating my yum delicious fruit salad for breakfast, listening to Moneoa.. replaying the conversation I had with THAT somebody from my past.. you know – the somebody I wrote about here —>> https://mizzford.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/loved-and-lost-isibhanxa/   Fool for you

I’m kind of a bit disorientated.. We spoke well past midnight, and it’s all just a daze.. I hadn’t spoken to him for a while.. a genuine feat for me, but I’ve been missing him so badly of late, so I decided to call.. and in the true comedic script my life is written in, *breathes in* , I was met with shocking news that put a painful sharp finality to our chapter..

Ok let me give you a little back story, this guy..we’ll call him.. Mr Big, was my first experience of love and friendship all at once.. you know the great love of your life? That one guy that is a part of your every dream, your every prayer.. yeah, this is him. I met him 5 years ago, around this time.. I was a bright eyed young thing, not so sure of myself, and then there was this guy, who liked me.. He liked ME.. And he was this awesome awesome guy, and I fell.. I remember how we’d stay up just talking, sharing dreams, making plans..and even after circumstance had pushed us apart, the friendship remained.. he was still the somebody I know I had in my corner, my safety net, my plan.. For a very long time, Mr Big was my inspiration, my blessing.Half_of_My_Heart_by_kawaii_anime_vamp911

People grow apart, and I guess that’s what had happened with us.. I haven’t seen dude in about 2, 3 years.. and before last night, we had not spoken for about 6 months. So last night, I plucked up the courage to call, and was met with a very surprised and shocked person on the other end.. his first proper sentence was – “Why would you call today of ALL days..” to which I replied, “it’s a Thursday, why what’s wrong?”.. and I was met with a “nothing”.. offcourse I was not going settle for that, so I probed until I found out the reason for my coincidental call.. He told me, his SON was born yesterday. 

After the endless struggle with my heart and mind to push my pride aside, and reach out to the love of my life, God decides to play this huge joke on me, and make it the very same day he’s given, what was supposed to ours, to someone else? A child.. a whole living, breathing CHILD!!

It could have been anything else.. a pet, a couch, a plant, not a first chance of giving him a life.. I can’t give him that now. That’s the highest most purest part I think a part of me, still hoped to share with him, only him.I was Ok last night, almost indifferent.. but by the time I went to bed, it fell like someone had punched the air out of my stomach.. you know when you are not sure whether to cry, or shout and scream, or just let it all envelope you, that’s how I feel right now..

This is ME right now.

This is ME right now.

So what happens now? My friend seems to think that Mr Big is my enchanted love, and we’ll find our way back to each other.. A part of me can’t help but wonder.. but most of me knows that this is Mr God telling me, “I gave you the nagging feeling..the slight bump..and now it’s the CRASH, all cause you wouldn’t listen..” And I get it now.. well not really, I’m still wallowing in uncertainty about my real feelings.

Maybe it was silly of me to think he’d be in my forever.. yeah..it was.. Sometimes we want something so much, even when we think we don’t want it.. but we don’t know what to do with it, or take care of it, and just love it and appreciate it, that we realise how much more we could have done when someone else has it.. But most times we love something so much, and no matter how much faith and love you spare for it, it’s just not meant for you.. so you gotta let it go..Let-Go

I’m listening to the perfect song right now, a perfect farewell, to my ideas, my plans.. “Time will bring the real end of our trial..one day there’ll be no remembrance no trace, no residual feelings within you, one day you won’t remember me.. your face will be the reason I smile, but I will not see what I cannot have forever, I’ll always love you, I hope you feel the same..” But this was very long lesson.. maybe I’ve finally learnt it off by heart.. Lord knows, I shouldn’t be here ever again..

Time for the next chapter.. Time for a new lead..

Time for the next chapter.. Time for a new lead..

All love..

Z