I’ve been thinking so much of late.. so much.. to the point where I’ve been sick actually, I’m rundown with stress and I feel like no one understands what is going through my head.. I talk about it, or I try to and maybe I’m not that good with putting it across.. it just feels like I need to reassure the people that I cry to, that I’ll be fine, instead of waiting for them to let me know.. The idea behind this blog was not to write about any of the things I do write about, and more often than not.. I delete whole posts before publishing because I don’t want to be as exposed to too many people who won’t understand.. I feel like I’m the only person who’ll understand me, so I’m writing this down, not to get sympathy or anything..just to make sure I understand that it’s real.. This is the most personal I’ll ever get.. and I’m writing without censoring myself or my heart..
Last night, I told my mom that I think I might be depressed.. I feel like my life is happening to me, and I’m not in control of anything because of my fear.. I have so many fears, and I don’t know how they crept up on me..I remember a time, when I had so much happiness in me.. when I had so much love and I was comfortable in being me.. I understood what and who I was.. and I loved life so much, and over time, without me noticing..something in me was eroded..I am a shadow of my former self, but I’m still not confronting it, because of what everybody expects me to be.. Ok and happy.. I’ve been crying for about 7 days straight, and nobody knows..but it’s the only thing I had to me.. the only therapy I could take.. till now.
At times I feel like it’s my spiritual self that’s lacking, and I’ve never had the courage to tell anyone – that I don’t feel as close to God as I should be.. I know I need to reach out, and this might not make sense to anybody, but I feel so ashamed.. or scared and so far lost into this darkness that I am almost scared to start working on getting out of it..
I want to go away.. not in a suicidal sense no..lol.. I mean I want to go away, and spend time with myself, and start to hear the music I chose long ago.. I need to hear myself, my mind and my soul play the same tune.. I miss having myself together.. and I’m scared I don’t know how to find her.. Nothing feels worse than being stuck in a hole of darkness. It’s like screaming in a quiet padded room..and nowhere can hear you..and you scream and you scream..and still..
I have to learn again how to trust myself.. how to be kind to myself, cast fear aside and just try again and again.. my friend said to me once -“fear is the devils way of saying you can’t, when he knows you are more than capable..” and boy the devil is on my case!
I think I’m still gonna cry a lot. I’m crying right now.. it’s just so sore.. so sore. Sometimes I do things without thinking or being ready because I know they are the right things to do, so I know I’m ready to fully let go of the man I’ve been with for the last 2 years.. he isn’t my one.
I want to have a best friend as my partner.. I want to be with a person who likes me enough to be honest with me..to build with me and grow with me.. I cannot compromise on that.. I’m not willing to. I need to get back to being whole, because as lonely as I am, I don’t know if I’m ready to let someone pick up the pieces.. but when I am.. I want someone who’ll put the life back into me.. I’m also feeling really broody, I have this immense desire to have a child, because I want to love someone outside of myself with everything I have.. I want to let a part of me know how much it’s wanted and appreciated and loved above everything.. I cannot explain this desire within me.. I am ready to love my child. I’m not going to have one just yet though..lol.. not yet..
This is me. This is a part I don’t like people to know.. but this felt necessary.