Hello lovers and friends..
What a quiet Monday it’s been.. I like them like this.. easing into the week rather than the normal frenzy we’re normally in.. I had a good weekend! Spent some time indoors with friends, simply drinking, eating, conversating and laughing.. We spoke a lot about love, work, more love, relationships..and yeah – Love.. LOL!! How we want it, how we’ve lost it, and what it means to us..
I got home lastnight, and tried to confront my feelings about my current state of love.. my emotions and my feelings.. and I made a little headway.. I think I’ve been a tad bit harsh on myself.. For a long time, I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved, and to this day – always questioned people or rather men who have said they love me.. I’ve not only being scared of loving, but also being loved.. This comes from the many insecurities I have, and those cannot be listed here, I need a whole new blog post for those..
I also realised, while doing this introspection, that these insecurities had affected other facets of my life.. I had to really sit, and confront the fact that I’m unhappy with my life! I’m unhappy with the job I’m in, I was unhappy in a friendship I was in, I was unhappy with some of the issues of the relationship I was in, and I’ve spent so long running away from my unhappiness.. till it caught up.
I remember a time when I had so much fire in me, so much faith and hope in my vision, I still do..except – it’s a little spark now.. I believe in my dreams, I think I just forgot to believe in my worthiness to achieve and live them..that’s why I procrastinated and put them in a little box at the back of my mind and went on surviving.. I wasn’t involved enough in my life to really live and when this year began, I promised myself that I wouldn’t make any resolutions, and I’d just live! Free of stress, worries and sadness.. and in 10 DAYS, I turn 24! I remember all the promises I made me..
One of the greater dreams I had, died.. but the greatest one – is something I have a chance to create every second, of every day.. my happiness.. I’ve felt so empty and so lost for so long, and maybe I needed my dreams deferred.. or destroyed, to wake me up.. I’m thankful to life, for life.. My greatest dream lies in my heart, with the potential to light up so many lives..and I hope I have enough courage to pursue it.. So yeah, I’m gonna start picking the pieces up, for real this time.. The life we all want, is not somewhere waiting for us to find it, it’s in every moment we let slip..waiting for us to create it.
We have got to stop imagining the imaginary rocks holding us down.. Everything..EVERYTHING in life is driven by love, or fear.. and if we spend all our days fearing what we can love, we’ll spend our lives in darkness, robbing the world of our light.. I’m understanding now, that the pieces don’t fit in this here and now, but they do belong somewhere, I just have to WANT to look again..and I do.. I’m ready for every dream..
Yours in inspired happiness