“What are the things you would say, and to whom if you knew you’d die in the next 3 hours? “
I was booking a flight this morning, and it suddenly hit me… What if the plane crashed? I’ve never had that fear before… but suddenly – an irrational fear gripped me.
I suddenly thought to myself, if I unexpectedly died, do the people that need to know what I know, know it yet? And thus I found myself typing the scary three words to someone from my past… “I miss you”
Truth be told, that’s not really what I wanted to write in my email text… my initial transcript was –
“I miss you so badly, I honestly think I can’t get over you. I still love you. I don’t want to get over you. You were my best friend, and I want that back… I want you back. I tried, I really did, and after all this time, it’s still just you. You’re the one…”
But instead – “I miss you” was all I could get out.
Trust me that in itself was a feat for me… I’ve wanted to make some kind of contact since February, but I couldn’t master the courage.
You all know by now, that I suffer from self diagnosed mild depression, and as soon as I get myself out of it, some force pulls me right back. I’m working on a different approach to getting out of it for good this time.
I’m going to say and do all the things that scare me a lot..The things that give me sleepless nights… I’m going to stop wishing I would have said this, and wishing I would have done that… I’m going to jump in and do it. HOLD ME TO THIS.
As usual, my thoughts are scattered. I want to write about my depression, and my ex, who already has 2 posts dedicated to him on my blog… what difference will a 3rd make?
But honestly there isn’t much to say on him anymore. I don’t know anything about him. If I were a smoker, this would be the part that I take a long drag, and ponder on what it is that won’t let me go about that man… that relationship. I thought the physical pain of that particular heart break would lead to the death of that love, but I can’t bring myself to bury it.
Maybe all the things I said will bind me to the idea of him and I for forever… But I promise I broke every soul tie I made… I burnt every trace I had of him, and I for the longest time I thought I’d let him go. What is wrong with me?
If I am to be honest with you, I think I have a lot of issues for a 25 year old. A lot of trust issues. I cannot get past the idea that someone’s intentions with my time and affection will be for nought. I cannot bear the idea that I could suffer more pain. I’ve had other relations… but I carry something that kills them all. Expectation and Comparison. The thing about me, is I can’t settle for anything less than kingly love and devotion. I need loyalty and addiction and all this things that would normally be bad for you, like obsession and blind trust. Where can I find that?
I’m puffing my imaginary ciggie again, and asking myself this question – “What exactly are you writing about”. Nothing really, a whole lot that goes through my mind too. Navigating through this life thing can be a bit daunting, all I really want is that childlike faith and belief that it’ll be fine.